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Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Bills That Senator Manny Can File Once Elected

We've all heard what senatorial candidate and boxing champion Manny Pacquiao had to say about same sex marriage, his now (in)famous "masahol pa sa hayop" (more disgusting than animals) comment getting the mileage it no doubt was intended to engender. After the online backlash, he's apologized, he's had dinner with some LGBT kids, but he stands equally firm in his beliefs, because as Manny implied, his holy book trumps everything else.

Here's my reaction: Go for it, Manny. Go all the way.


And given his standing in most surveys, Manny will have no problem calling himself - and forcing everyone else, even those who don't like him - a senator in a few months. He's placed in the middle of the pack consistently, a comfortable almost-guarantee he will add "senator" to his long list of career choices, as if boxer, singer, wannabe evangelist, product endorser, sometime TV host, basketball player, basketball coach, philanthropist, and 4-day legislator aren't enough.

Future Senator Manny, I propose that you hit the ground running once you earn your Senate seat. And in the hopes of seeing you succeed, and taking into account your personal beliefs, kindly consider the following suggestions for bills to sponsor and push for in the Senate.

An Act To Declare Women's Participation In Politics As Illegal

We will, of course, need to have basis for all of these bills, and for this particular bill, you have your holy book firmly on your side. 1st Timothy 2:12 makes it rather clear: "I do not permit a woman to teach, or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet."

A blanket statement, the best admonition any holy book can give: women must be quiet. There is no if in that. Since women are not to exert authority over any man, she is therefore barred from running for any public office, or being assigned to one, lest she exert some kind of influence on a single male.

It also prevents her from getting a vote, since that would constitute "making my female voice heard" and since your holy book says (altogether now) "women must be quiet" you have the perfect justification for pushing this bill.

Moreover, almost all religions already practice this exclusion of women in positions of power, all we need to do is to follow their lead.

An Act Forbidding Tattoos, Haircuts, And All Kinds Of Shellfish

Leviticus 19:28 says "Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourself; I am The Lord."

Leviticus 19:27, meanwhile, makes visits to the local barber shop a waste of time and money. "Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head, or clip off the edges of your beard." I guess this means no private company can also enforce the "clean shaven" look on their employees.

And anyone who pushes crabs or lobsters on their menu can be aptly described as "unclean" - hey, don't blame Manny, he isn't being offensive, silly, because Leviticus 11:12 states that very word: "anything living in the water that does not have fins or scales is to be regarded as unclean by you."

Manny, I have no doubt, will stand by his beliefs, which makes clear stances on these three items. And anyone who wants to begin pointing at Manny's body covered in tattoos should know that that is a matter between him and his God.

An Act Declaring Boxing Illegal

"Do not envy a man of violence, and do not choose any of his ways." So says Proverbs 3:31, and because Manny stands by his holy book, he will have no recourse but to make the "sport" of boxing illegal, as it is not a way that his holy book would have chosen. If anything, this verse makes it clear that anyone engaged in violence or violent acts is never considered a good example.

It would be fair to also include sports like Mixed Martial Arts under this broad definition, as it results in bloodied faces and broken bones, which can be summarily described as the result of violent acts, and done for sport, and not in defense of one's life.

Broadening the scope of this Act, we may go down its logical conclusion and ban all weapons and materials like guns, knives, and scissors, from public circulation, as these could - unwittingly - be used for violent purposes. But that will be for another day in the Senate.

You are planning to make at least 2 visits to the Senate Hall, yes, Manny?

An Act Declaring Lechon Illegal

Now, this truly saddens me, and all bacon lovers, but as a devout follower of your holy book, who will no doubt introduce and try to enact laws based on this unchanging book, you have to declare the porcine creature as abominable - after all, Deuteronomy 14:8 says we are "not to eat their meat or touch their carcasses" - which basically eliminates lechon skin from the national diet and all fiestas.

An Act To Reinstate Slavery

Colossians 4:1 is an interesting read because it does not tell us not to have slaves, but rather it specifies how to treat slaves...listen: "Masters, treat your slaves justly and fairly, knowing you also have a Master in heaven."

In short, Manny, your holy book approves of having slaves, as long as they are treated in a certain way. We should be proud to have slaves, then, and must ensure that legal measures are put in place to continue the practice of owning people - that is the definition of slavery, yes? - since this is sanctioned and approved by your holy book.

Can you not feel the wave of righteousness that Manny will bring once he is elected to the Senate?

Can you not hear the cries of people who wish to ban boxing matches and to make owning people fashionable again, on top of being approved by Manny's holy book?

With just a smattering of verses, Manny can come up with so many bills, it would make Miriam envious.

Of course, Manny would have to declare Catholicism illegal, since he has changed religions himself. I suppose that would be another bill - what to do with Catholic churches once the practice of this particular faith is banned.

But given how Manny is being supported online over his "masahol" comment as being "true to his faith" and "standing up for his beliefs, and why he is being persecuted" we should take Manny's lead as this country's greatest religious and moral arbiter - how dare you question Manny, he who has brought honor to our country by punching his bloodied opponents senseless!

No wonder Manny's fans taunted Mayweather as "Gayweather". Compared to masahol, Gayweather is just a blip in the pantheon of insults, and as the online comments show, there is supposedly nothing more shameful in life than to be called bakla or tomboy.

I look forward to the momentous bills you will undoubtedly sponsor, Future Senator Manny.

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