Have You Seen Etiquette?

I haven't seen her lately.

This is the new norm?

(Courtesy of impactlab.net)

1. Taking the escalator upwards, we noticed a family in front of us: two adults and three teenagers. They looked excited to be having a meal, animatedly discussing options for their gustatory adventure. 

Reaching the top landing of the escalator, they decide to hold a family meeting right then and there: should we go left or right, asked the mom. Maybe we should try Japanese, quips the younger daughter.

Of course, we bump straight smack into them because the escalator doesn't stop operating just because you decide the mall is your "personal" space. And for something we couldn't help, both parents look at us and deride us as bastos.

"You decide to stop here because of your cluelessness and we're the ones who are rude? I'm sorry, is it Opposite Day?"

It went right over their heads. I was right: Clueless. And I mean in life.

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2. A public bus driver decides that since he is on EDSA (Epifanio de los Santos Avenue), he can swerve from the rightmost lane where he just picked up passengers, to the leftmost lane because it is the "fast lane", which is precisely the reason why I'm on it, so I don't have to deal with the homicidal driving techniques of those directly in charge of public transportation and the riding public's safety.

I slam the brakes so hard, the screech could rival the wail of an ambulance siren, and I feel the rear part of the car slightly elevate, almost causing me to slam my face into the windshield despite my seatbelt.

And just for fun, the bus driver decides to go right back to the rightmost lane, as his "birthright", because we all owe him the right to pick up passengers whenever and wherever.

If looks could kill, a dozen private car owners/drivers would have been charged with first degree murder.

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3. In my usual coffee shop, there is a long mirror that is accessible only from a seated position. (Or if you're willing to curve your spine to the point of stooping. Or challenging your core after your first Pilates class.)

 A lady dressed in her power suit enters, sits at the table in front of me, decides it's a good time to do her makeup and her hair while everyone is eating. For good measure, she also takes out her appliances (cellphone, tablet) and charges them simultaneously with her extension cord. 

When one of the cafe personnel approaches her (after waiting for 15 minutes to assess her) to tell her that she should at least order something so she can be considered a customer (a nice way of saying hello, you think all this is for free?!?) she has the audacious gumption to reply back, "Hello! I'm a potential customer! So rude! Just because of that, I won't order anything. You can blame yourself!"

We all thought she would leave in a huff. She stayed on charging her appliances, for thirty more minutes, without ordering anything. I guess we can at least say that she's true to her word?

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4. While walking along a narrow sidewalk, a bunch of call center agents (you could tell by the identification cards and the out-of-workplace twang in their accents) were on the sidewalk across the street, all four of them practically occupying the entire width of the walkway because they insisted on walking side by side. I assume it's because they only share a single brain and it only functions in that specific lateral position.

They come across a construction worker (carrying his tools with him) on the same sidewalk but in the opposite direction, walking towards them. There was no room to budge towards the street because the jeepneys in Makati have appropriated it as their personal parking space - any comments, Mayor Junjun Binay? - and are parked front bumper to rear bumper so I thought the best solution was bigayan (giving way) among pedestrians.

Maybe the call center agents have a better solution, which was to disregard anyone else who passes by from the opposite direction, and claim the sidewalk as their own. They proceed to run smack into the construction worker, and they all gasp in American expressions, with the loudest of them going, "Oh my gosh! That is so rude! Hello, we were, like, walking here! Can't you see?!? Are you blind? Couldn't you just, like, move? I mean, like, hello! There's only one of you and four of us, duh! Do you have to take up so much space? Gosh!"

Maybe they were trying to finish their English requirement for examples of irony?

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5. Fil, a friend who has moved to Singapore, relays this occurrence on social media. Apparently, being a resident of a First World country doesn't automatically mean you have manners.

Well known for their efficient public transport system, Fil takes the buses on a daily basis. On one such trip, his bus came to his stop and so he already positioned himself near the bus door so he could exit quickly. When the door opens, a nun is waiting to get on. Seeing Fil by the entrance/exit of a crowded bus, she sarcastically says: "Would you like to move?"

To which Fil replies, "Would you like to wait for the passengers to alight?"

You can also see this on a daily basis here. Just check out the MRT train stations. Watch how incoming passengers push their way in the moment the train doors open, preventing passengers who want to disembark from doing so.

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If you've seen her, tell etiquette she's desperately needed.

Piety As A Weapon

In this country, it is used as much for offense as it is for defense. How scintillating (I had other adjectives in mind, this seemed to be the "safest") that a recent blow-up in the local entertainment scene should showcase this spectacularly.

Truly, we fashion the concept of God after our own desires and biases.

After the death of Dolphy, the most controversial news adjacent to the event was the ruckus caused by feisty talent manager Annabelle Rama at a wake/dinner where the King of Comedy was being remembered. Claiming that she was "provoked" by showbiz reporter Chito Alcid, she was caught on video trying to raise a stick-apparatus (some say it was a cane, others say it was a mic stand) in an apparent attempt to hit on the said "provocative" party.

She prayed for everyone.

(Courtesy of hy.bestpicturesof.com)

Probably hearing the backlash from everyone castigating her for this incident that can be diplomatically described as "tasteless", Rama has since apologized to the Quizon family for her actions.

Knowing Rama, you know that isn't the end of it. (Her numerous libel cases will testify that words are her Waterloo.)

A news item at ABS-CBN News caught my eye regarding this brouhaha and her involvement in it.

(See http://www.abs-cbnnews.com/entertainment/07/16/12/annabelle-rama-provocation-led-attack for full story.)

What struck me the most was the ease that both parties invoked God into their motivations and actions.

"Sa lahat ng concern sa akin, ipinagdarasal ko kayo. Sa lahat naman ng mga komokontra, ipinagdarasal ko rin kayo na mabuksan isipan nyo..." (To those concerned for me, I prayed for you. To those who oppose me, I also prayed for you so your minds will be open.)

A cursory reading of this has a part that is glaring: God must be on Annabelle's side. A statement like hers is clearly meant to enforce the notion that she is on a path that is righteous, such that she expects her prayers to be answered positively. (No one goes into prayer hoping for a 'No', do they?)

It also has a veneer of compassion, the way zealots like to sarcastically say "I'll pray for you", but the real message being "You're a filthy sinner and you should get down on your knees and thank me that I am spreading news to save you!" In short, people who do this tactic are actually condescending while appearing compassionate.

And appearances matter a whole lot for a country like ours. Who cares if we blow out the college fund, we should feed our guests well during the town fiesta.

Not to be outdone is the reporter Annabelle is trading barbs with - blows if she wasn't physically stopped as shown in the video - who also made the following statement:

"No, hindi ko siya pinrovoke...mayroon siyang Eddie Gutierrez na matangkad, mayroon syang bodyguard na nandoon sa tabi niya. So how can I provoke, alam ng Panginoon yan." (No, I never provoked her...she has a tall Eddie Gutierrez and a bodyguard beside her. So how can I provoke, God knows that.)

Translation: my word is as good as gold, as solid as steel...I have the backing of God. To challenge my statement is to challenge God as my witness...do you dare?!?

Ever since a once-young actress remarked "God was with us" (I'm sure we all know who this is) when asked about her child out of wedlock, I have known from an early age how the name of God has been bandied around, sometimes innocently, sometimes quite forcefully, as being "behind" one's thoughts, words and actions, thereby giving the person saying this a free pass for most anything. To cast doubt on something approved by God would be heretical, right?

Just recently, impeached Chief Justice Corona authorized the holding of masses within the Supreme Court grounds - I am a non-lawyer but the word "unconstitutional" keep flashing before me - even getting media mileage for being deep in prayer with an equally controversial priest, the photo splashed all over the dailies and online. Read: I can't be on the wrong side, I'm a warrior for God and here's a cleric to lend ecclesiastical weight to that pride-less claim.

I guess God doesn't take sides then, since He is on everyone's side.

Excuse me while I go back to the real world, where I expect people to be personally responsible for their thoughts, words and actions.

It reeks to be a secularist in a country that thinks one's religion is a license to be free from criticism and debate, with a card that erroneously gives its bearer an inflated - and false - sense of moral superiority.

Is That What 'Baby Bump' Means?

An incident this morning prompted me to write a status update in Facebook, and when I checked my account again, I got a comment from my friend Chris asking me if may pinaghuhugutan (I am drawing this from something specific). I was also surprised to see people liking the post because I was sure what I wrote was a shoo-in for the Anti-Social pile so I was (pleasantly) surprised.

Don't be fooled: This is a weapon.

(Cortesy of supercoolbaby.com)

The particular incident: I was walking back to our building when a car pulls up the driveway and unloads a mom with a baby in her arms, as well as three other (older) children and two maids. Now, the walkway in our building isn't a particularly large one (like most walkways in this country) but four people could walk side by side, just to give you an idea of the width.

She proceeds to dump their bags, a stroller and various boxes, and takes up about 90% of the walkway width. Her chidren are running around, up and down the walkway into the car driveway, with the maids running after them. Her baby is on her right arm, and with her other arm outstretched, she begins giving "commands" to the maids (barely listening to her lest the children get run over by passing cars on the driveway) as to where the things go.

The building residents had to "squeeze through" the remaining 10% width space because she seemed oblivious to the blockage her things caused. Bad enough that she had no sense of decency to at least place her things on one side of the walkway and acted like it was her property.

But you know there's more.

I proceeded to the lobby to catch the lift. For a mid-morning, I was surprised that I was the only one waiting for the elevator on a weekend. (Maybe everyone had an early start?) I pressed the Up button and waited in front of the car that was going down the fastest. Already, I could hear the mom's footsteps and braced myself for the loud cries of an infant. One of her maids was bringing her other things (a large bag and a plastic bag) so she only had the infant in her arms.

I suddenly felt something bump the back of my head, first from the back of my head to the side, and then from the side to the back again: it was her baby's head.

Yes, a baby's head. In her attempt to give last minute instructions to her help, she flung the infant to and fro, making contact with my head, which, expectedly, caused the baby to let out a cry.

She had to stand beside me in an empty lobby. Not content with blocking the walkway, she now wants to invade my personal space. Not content with that, she tried to get more space by using her baby's head as a weapon.

I'm sure no one is holding their breath for an apology. That's the thing: I'm not most people.

I turned to her, and said "Excuse me?" and gave her a look that suggested that she was a cannibal who feasted on human babies. It was "only then" that she realized that she was standing too close to me, she said sorry in a volume that not even a cat could hear, and "attempted" to move a few inches away from me. Emphasis on "attempted" because she was really just making an empty gesture, pakitang tao (for show) as we say in the vernacular, as if to say, "There! I moved! Will that shut you up?"

Since when did having babies and children become the free pass to act obnoxious, devoid of manners and bereft of respect for other people's space?

News flash: You're not pregnant anymore. You can't use your mood swings, your extra weight, the swollen toes, and everything else that comes with pregnancies as your free card for priority. And I know many women who are pregnant and who also manage to keep their manners intact - if anything, they apologize too much for being a "bother" to other people - so I can't think of a reason why someone who willfully decides to bring her child out for whatever reason should be given some kind of "royal treatment", that they can block entire walkways and bump people from behind and think they should have some perverted license to do so.

My work takes me to the malls often, and I have seen women using their baby strollers as battering rams to get a better slot in lines or to block people's right of way - probably thinking that having babies is the ultimate trump card. And what gets me everytime is the sense of entitlement they assume - if they "happen" to run their stroller straight over someone else's toes, you'd be lucky to get an apology: they have a look that says don't bother challenging me, I'm with child.

If you can't practice etiquette where your own body and space are concerned, what right do you have being responsible for another human being, imposing on her or him your sense of right and wrong, one that is clearly out of whack?

If you do not have enough decency to practice good manners where others are present, what makes you think you are fit to coach a child on how to go about the world?

If you think you are somehow "entitled" to be rude just because you happen to lug around your offspring, what business do you have teaching them to be the best they can be when you are the epitome of expecting things for doing nothing?

Being a parent doesn't give you the license to be a d*ck or b*tch. I said it in my Facebook status, and I'll say it again: What you have is a child, not a lobotomy.

The Death Of (Gym) Etiquette

In the pursuit of better health, and more importantly for those going to the beaches, better looking bodies in photographs to be immortalized over Facebook, gym goers have had to set up near ridiculous goals in order to achieve this "perfection".

(Courtesy of criticalbench.com)

While it is admirable when clients are fiercely determined in achieving this singular goal, a subset of this population has learned to do these goals "at all costs" - at the expense of others, in terms of convenience, time, camaraderie, and sadly, manners.

Having taught group exercise classes and conducted private sessions in one-on-one and small group settings, and having done this since 1998, I have seen an entire spectrum of Bad Behavior in the gym setting, and thanks to a question posted by Power Music, it gave me excellent fodder and much food for thought for this piece. (And, it seems, people around the world are prone to these lapses in etiquette, it isn't merely a local thing here in the Philippines.)

Here is but a sampling (scary to think this list is not exhaustive!) of ill-manners and poor etiquette that make up some of the worst behaviors exhibited in fitness centers everywhere.

1. The Weight Droppers

This is personally one of my biggest pet peeves, and of course, it happens with the most artificially-induced bulked-up guys in the gym: He -it's almost always a he, come to think of it, I haven't seen a woman do this - makes a big "production" about how this is the "heaviest I've ever lifted", with some acolytes around him cheering him on, lifts the weight for about three to four times in improper form, grunting for everyone to hear, then drops the weight with a thunderous thud.

News for he-man: If you can't control the rate of descent (any action that works towards gravity instead of against it) of what you carried, then it's too heavy for you.

(Courtesy of buyfitness4less.com)

I don't mind the announcing of it being the heaviest he's ever lifted, it makes public humiliation that much easier when he can't even complete one repetition of the exercise. I also don't mind the heavy grunting and groaning, as it provides a boost mentally to some athletes. (I am reminded of Sanchez-Vicario in professional tennis, her expression when she returns the ball is, uhm, unique.)

But to drop the weight as if your sworn enemy is underneath you and about to be crushed, it's in bad form - both literally and figuratively - because (1) you scare the living daylights out of anyone in the immediate vicinity, especially those who really weren't giving you any time of day (2) it reeks of being an attention whore, trying to announce what a big, strong man you are (but it betrays the opposite) and (3) you cause damage both to the plate and the floor, in other words, you are destroying gym property.

Not to mention the worst part of it all, he-man isn't aware that carrying that much weight may actually throw his back out or cause even more serious injuries because of overestimating what he can do, all for the sake of showing off his supposed physical prowess.

Don't make me get out a ruler to measure your real size.

2. The Incessant Phone User

Today's fast paced world demands that we be on call all the time, and understandably, people bring their mobile phones and devices with them even when working out. However, some clients forget that they are also sharing space with other members - paying members - who did not come to the gym to hear you talk about how much of a revision you need to do on your latest sales report, or how you are instructing your secretary to tell your patients that the doctor will be coming in a little late due to an "emergency" (aka you want to finish your workout).

(Courtesy of h2andyou.org)

I understand, your call is important to you. But the key word there is that it's ONLY important to you, and to no one else: Kindly take your call outside of the group exercise room and go to an area where you will be the least disruptive, pwede? This practice is most insensitive when the class in particular is a mind-body class, and a phone conversation defeats the very atmosphere that the teacher and class is trying to achieve.

And if you're on the inclined chest press when you receive a call, please don't sit on the machine for the next 20 minutes discussing how much you lost in the stock market yesterday. This is a gym, and other people are waiting to use the machines as well. This is not your personal office or private space where you can do as you please without nary a thought of how your actions affect others.

Take note: these are paying others.

3. The Class Talkers

Some people astound you with how many decibels their voice volume can go - and not in a good way.

Another infamous act that causes great irritation is when people who attend a group exercise class mistakenly think that they are on a talk show, and proceed to talk over the teacher, the teacher's instructions and the music altogether! Talk about your unordinary loudmouth - that is not an easy feat to accomplish, but I have seen this personally with my own eyes, and sadly, my ears have heard them as well.

(Courtesy of ehow.com)

Back when I was starting out teaching, I used to raise the music volume to match the loudmouths. Unfortunately, I also realized that some people took it as a challenge - and were actually able to still talk over the increased volume!

Over the years, I have learned that the opposite is just as effective, if not even more so: Whenever someone obnoxiously loud would disrupt a class, I would lower my voice and soften it so that my instructions became unintelligible. I would also minimize the music volume so you could only hear a faint beat. It resulted in the same scenario: clients straining to hear what I was saying, making the noisy party a standout, and they had to totally shut their traps lest they relished being given the evil stares from everyone else.

True story: I was conducting a mind-body class in the group exercise room, when two ladies and their personal trainer come in the room, to do exercises on the stability ball (located inside the room). One of the ladies is a medical professional most utilized by "celebrities" to "sculpt" their bodies and faces. They were both yammering away about a party they went to, who they saw, what this person was wearing - in a room and class that was supposed to induce concentration, calm and focus.

Unsurprisingly, some clients began giving them dirty looks, and I decided to approach the trainer to let him know - as if he didn't know - that there was a class being conducted while his clients kept harping on makeup tips. He gave me an irritated smirk, informed the clients that "pinapalabas tayo sa kwarto" (we're being asked to leave the room) and on the way out, the two ladies continued chattering obliviously - and loudly - over their lunch plans.

I guess some people are too dense for words. Even "celebrity doctors".

4. The Maid "Owners"

While it really isn't legal in 2012 to "own" people - and I know some people who want to see those days come back, shudder - some, uhm, "masters" are so used to their maids picking up after them that they bring this (un)pleasant characteristic with them to the gym.

The result: You have weight lifters who, ironically, cannot return the plates they used for their "public lifting" (read: for show), leaving them on the bars, while Ms. Senior Citizen, next in line to lift, is frantically hoping a fitness trainer will help her remove at least one of the plates off the bar, which weighs more than her entire body.

You have irresponsible clients leaving dumbbells of all sizes all over the place, giving headaches to the gym management for potential lawsuits and disability claims.

"Grunters" try to outdo their previous record of doing 1000 situps in one go, and after that show of endurance, cannot be bothered to tap into that same endurance to return the mat they used to their rightful place - out of the way, stacked in a corner so others may use the same equipment.

Bands, steps, "sliders", Bosu balls and so much more equipment getting unaccounted for or lost, because people pick a spot to do their "thing" then conveniently forgetting to return where they got them.

Are they expecting the "maids" to pick up after them? Do the gym employees have to start wearing maids' uniforms as well? But before we do that, maybe we should discuss adding "Servitude Pay" into membership fees. Are these clients amenable to that?

(Courtesy of my.88db.com)

We are all adults. Kindly pick up after yourselves. Please lang.

5. The Perennial Complainer

It's too hot. Now it's too cold. I want a towel with my membership - scratch that, I want an entire Bed, Bath and Beyond collection to go with my daily usage, together with Clarins bath products. And I want a buffet waiting for me after my workout...hello! In other gyms, they give clients bananas, bottomless softdrinks and a coupon for a car raffle!

(Courtesy of socialstrategy1.com)

Seriously?

I understand clients who complain about the basic necessities: having a functional ventilation and cooling system, having machines that work efficiently and not cause more bodily harm than good, having enough equipment and paraphernalia so that a large number of people can enjoy the full workout experience, making sure the floor is safe, dry and ready for physical activities.

I differentiate those valid concerns from those that come close to asking for a chocolate fountain next to a auburn unicorn spewing euros out their mouths: I actually had a client ask me if it was alright to bring her Lhasa Apso with her to class, because she can't bear to be without her baby, and the uniformed maid has to fan her (the client) while in class and deliver her Evian water when she needs it, while poor Lhassie Baby has to do without someone fanning her and giving her expensive doggie treats.

If you think a request like that is appropriate, I suggest heading down to the counseling center of any major hospital. You need help, fast - and not from a fitness center.

Don't worry, we're only halfway through this list. More etiquette gems in the next post.