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Monday, May 6, 2013

My Platform: Pinoy Pride!

Can you think of a better slogan?

(Courtesy of zazzle.com)

Since I plan to be included in this year's lineup of senator-wannabes, I must make sure that my slogan is catchy, appealing and sentimental, and no two words are tagos sa puso (literally, through the heart) as those two, which has become, of late, a common battle cry, both online and IRL (in real life). Why shouldn't I be able to use this in my campaign?

Of course, I can't just stand there and mouth those two words, and "hope for the best" - I have to back it up with proposed programs and concrete actions! Which got me to thinking: what exactly are we most proud of?

Singing comes to mind as one of the things we are known for. Go to any singing contest - and I'm talking worldwide! - and you will always find a singer who is of Filipino blood, descent, citizenship, and who cares if these contestants have lived their entire lives without ever setting foot in our shores, they're OURS! Even when a contest specifies that "only American citizens can vote," we wasted no time is texting our support for American Idol finalist Jessica Sanchez, achieving absolutely nothing by way of votes for Jessica, but making the show and the telecom company quite happy.

Therefore, we must focus our meager resources towards the formation of singing schools around the country! If need be, we will use these basketball courts constructed by politicians over the years to prove that they have "done something concrete" (literally) for the land needed for these institutions that will showcase our signature talent! Stop crying, we don't have the height to compete in international basketball tournaments!

There will be a moratorium on televised singing contests, as I will make sure that it is the mandate of the State to gather from the best vocal talents available to send abroad to conquer the world! Tax exemptions will be granted to those families who willingly surrender their child over to the State once their vocal prowess manifests! Singers will likewise be granted the same benefit, as well as housing, disability and various other discounts and exemptions!

Boxing is a sport that we have excelled in for years - although we have suffered some losses lately - and that is why, boxing will be the only sport authorized in all schools! All gymnasiums will be transformed into multiple boxing rings, and if you wish to play another sport, you have the option of being deported! I will make sure that beating someone up becomes socially acceptable - after all, we cheer so much watching our boxers do the same - that all laws regarding beating and violence will be immediately repealed, if I get elected! From this point on, boxing someone will be a perfectly legal way of settling disputes, and betting stations will be legalized for this purpose! Courtrooms will have a mandatory boxing ring, so that justice can be dispensed by way of the fist!

Beauty contests, now there's a category we are also renowned for! To this end, all ladies (who qualify by age and height, and of course, the swimsuit and evening gown competitions) will be taken care by the State! Not one of them must exhibit any trace of fat cells, and will be subjected to state-sponsored purging stations! Similar stations will be put up across the country to attract hopefuls not yet discovered, and what better place than at the malls, where fashion magazines have led millions to go shopping for the clothes advertised on glossies worn by emaciated girls who have been photoshopped and airbrushed more times than I care to count!

They will receive continuous beauty treatments from Belo, Calayan and all other such clinics, until such time that they lose their beauty! Government media stations shall reinforce this opportunity by running ads that highlight the advantages of being pretty: "Without beauty, you are worthless!" sounds like a catchy ad copy. As for the notorious Q and A portion, all academics will focus on formulating answers for every conceivable question. Physicists, chemists, urban planners...all fields will be harnessed with the intention of making sure that our contestants "don't feel any pressure, right now!"

We are known for our laborers: hardworking, fluent in English and incapable of complaints! Therefore, all college courses will be tailored towards what the world labor market needs! Courses that are not in demand will be abolished! Related to this, there will be NO family planning of any kind! Natural, modern, I will not have any of it! We need to produce more and more humans to supply the demands of the entire world! We have been fooled by these politicians, talking about sustainability, economic fitness and what-not, as reasons to plan the number of children a family has. Nonsense! We are talking of the entire world as our job market - it is practically limitless! Produce, produce and produce babies, lots and lots of babies!

It brings me to something we are also known for: hypocrisy! We have government authorities who use the national budget for personal trips, pious politicians who have mistresses by the truckloads, police officers who use their cars to go against a one way road, priests who sire children, murderers, looters and sex offenders in public office! You name it, we've done it all! To maintain this advantage, all hypocrites will be given tax breaks, and a subsidy to perform all acts relating to their particular brand of hypocrisy! Honest citizens who try to live a moral life will be taxed to the highest level, as they give our hypocrisy branding a bad name!

We are also known for natural resources like forests and beaches - if I am elected, I will issue permits to any and all companies that wish to exploit all these! Build more resorts, cut more trees, destroy all ecosystems, as long as we profit from them - and the government gets a huge chunk, of course - you will have my support!

I promise to fulfill each and every one of these programs once I am elected, because I truly believe that with Pinoy Pride leading our path, there is nothing we cannot achieve!

A vote for me is a vote for Pinoy Pride!

(And if you dare write horrible commentaries in the news about my plans and programs, we're also known for what we do to journalists. I'm just saying.)

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