We write this message to you on the wings of eternal goodwill. We fervently hope that this finds you well, for the contents of this communication is anything but.
Now is the time when all that we have predicted is coming to pass...Attend now!
Yes, it also caused your baby to bawl.
(Courtesy of drmomma.org)
Yes, we are referring to that nefarious Reproductive Health (RH) Bill!
It must be stopped! It is evil, and it is the handiwork of unearthly creatures! An unprintable document of abominable proportions, it is! Even now, its' influence and reach has found a new nesting place - do not laugh, it is not yet law yet it already has this effect, how dare you think this is a matter of levity! - it has come to roost...in Monsignor Trisngobal Narnia. (MTN - My True Nature)
Have you noticed the timing of that article in International Geographical (IG)? It imputed the good monsignor as someone who advocates the use of "a certain substance" to make religious images! How dare they imply malice on our part! We cannot help it because (1) we didn't kill the animals in the process of collecting "a certain substance", at least not firsthand! (2) we only get quality products, for worship purposes!... and (3) we will show you a way to get "a certain substance" for yourself.
We had nothing but good intentions, and a willingness to be open, but IG paints us in so devious a manner, they have deceived us! We are soiled in the eyes of believers!
A sex case? Nonsense! There is no recording, just the whiny accounts of some imaginative and overactive bell boys! Why, they were the ones who "seduced" MTN! Besides, if it was not meant to happen, it wouldn't have happened! All is predestined! All is well!
Do you now see? The RH Bill is responsible for maligning our good name! Who will you believe...IG? The press? The government? All of them are foreign powers! They seek to destroy our national identity! They seek to inject us with...with...foreign ideas, from foreign sources of foreign lands! We must protect ourselves!...Yes, our faith is also foreign, but it is the harbinger of truth, so it is exempted from this tirade!
What? You dare to doubt how the RH Bill is doing this?
Because we said so! Kneel before us! We are the molders of your morality, we would never lie to you! We would never use an unrelated subject to distract you from what's really happening...of course not! We represent the light, the truth, and all that is good! Yes, the RH Bill is responsible for making you think that MTN has any responsibility for the things he is charged with, and the very reason why we are investigating him! It is nothing but RH propaganda!
If it is not stopped, the RH bill will bring to life your worst nightmares! Thunderstorms, why you slipped on your bathroom floor, the prices of bus fares, an accident on the highway involving 10 cars, world wars...these and so many more are the evil deeds of one thing alone: the RH Bill!
Blame it on the RH Bill!
Stand strong, oh, faithful one!
Rejoice for you now know why you have nothing to eat - yes, it is the RH Bill's fault! - and possession of this truth and knowledge will warm your insides with the force of ten hotel buffets!
We fight, we struggle against it, and we will win!
We will overcome the RH Bill and its notorious effects!
We cannot do it without you, for you are our soldiers, and we fight for righteousness!
Until we see each other again,
Your Moral Leaders.
Disclaimer: None of the people, events, places and anything else in the above post is meant to refer to anyone or anything in real life, and any similarities with real people, places, events, etc., are merely coincidental and not intentional.
In other, real news: http://globalnation.inquirer.net/51554/bishops-ivory-sex-abuse-controversies-related-to-rh-bill