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Tuesday, November 13, 2012

The Ten Commandments For Plagiarists

I'd like to take an ethics class under him.
(Courtesy of

1. Laugh. Portray the accusation as a vendetta, poo-pooh it by saying things like "they're just jealous of me". Make it seem insignificant, the way diarrhea can be.

2. Act imperious, and do it with conviction, as if you are coming from a place of moral certainty: remember, you're only acting.

3. Utilize the Bart Simpson defense/tactic: No one saw me do it, you can't prove it, you can't be blamed. In short, channel your inner belligerent kid. Unless you are the belligerent kid, in which case you only have to be more of yourself.

4. Denial should be part of your DNA, a mantra to be applied daily. Like moisturizer.

5. Have a lackey who you can blame: "tinext lang naman sa akin eh!" or "blame my staff!" are popular catch-all lines that absolve you of any responsibility.

6. Portray all internet users as no-good, shiftless and aimless morons, who, surprisingly, are adept at fact checking (insert audible gasp here) and for calling out your BS, but despite this, find time to make you the center of their world.

7. Push for legislation that will punish people for saying what's on their mind. So, freedom of speech will be impaired. A basic democratic tenet will be rendered useless. It will gag people, most especially the truth-tellers. WHO CARES. As long as they all shut up, which is what you wanted, everyone can suck it, right?

8. Remember, if you translate something, it becomes original. Better if you translate it from English to Tagalog. It will soon be a college degree: B.S. And no, not Bachelor of Science. The other meaning of B.S.

9. Petition for all schools to remove plagiarism as an academic offense: why should anyone demand students to have integrity in their work? What conceivable purpose does "giving someone proper credit" do? Will you be rewarded for being "honest"? Kailangan ba lahat orig? As long as something isn't declared "illegal", game lang yan!

10. Run for any legislative post. You decide what passes for legal, you have "parliamentary immunity", you can make bombastic speeches all day long uninterrupted - who cares if they are devoid of any thought, original or otherwise - and most importantly, you are called "honorable".

Sweet deal, huh?